Dating Gets Easier When You Can Answer this Question
Answer it clearly and enjoy a significant advantage over those who cannot
This is a Guest Post by , an internationally certified alcohol and drug counselor (ICADC); also author of —a publication on self growth, sobriety, emotional literacy, men’s issues, intimacy, relationships and more.
Across social media we see dating coaches for men sharing all sorts of hacks for getting the girl. In this sea of constant distraction, self-proclaimed relationship experts offer endless advice on how to avoid “the friend zone,” what to do when she doesn’t text you back, and how to be the “high-value man” who deserves the “high-value woman.”
The author Pia Mellody made an observation that anyone could benefit from, but particularly those of us looking for romantic partners. Her work pertaining to relationships, trauma, intimacy, and codependency, has positively impacted my own quality of life and that of countless others. As she points out, once we’ve addressed our relationship with ourselves, our relationships with others tend to be much more functional.
Who am I? is as important a question as any man will ever ask himself. If he can answer it clearly, he enjoys a significant advantage over the man who cannot. Unlike a man who doesn’t, a man who knows who he is knows what he wants and where he is going. This idea is relevant to every aspect of a man’s life.
We hear so much these days about how men should always lead; always take the dominant role in romantic relationships. But how can a woman follow a man who doesn’t know who he is or what he wants, let alone where he’s going?
In the book Fire in the Belly, the author, Sam Keen, shares a crucial piece of advice that he was given as an emerging adult. There are two questions a man must ask himself: Where am I going? and Who will go with me? Further, his mentor told him if he were ever to get these in the wrong order, he would be in trouble.
For most of my life, I had these two questions in the wrong order. I thought if I could just find the right girl, then I would figure out the rest. I prioritized getting a partner over everything else, and most notably, over finding my purpose. As Keen’s friend would have predicted, that didn’t work out very well. After a painful marriage that led to divorce, a subsequent relationship that was even more painful than my marriage, after reading many, many books, including Keen’s, after more hours in a therapist’s office that I care to admit, and after years of feeling lost, I finally began approaching life with the questions in their proper order.
Here's the difference between the man I used to be and the man I am now. One man says, “I don’t know where I’m going but I’d like you to go with me.” The other tells her where he is going and asks her to join him. One man is passive, the other is decisive. One is timid, the other is bold. One man pursues what he thinks he is supposed to want, the other knows what he wants and goes after it. One feels insecure, the other brims with confidence. One man feels lost, the other man knows who he is.
I’ve worked in behavioral healthcare for three decades, primarily with men. Whether in an individual or group setting, with men standing at an inflection point, more than any other question I pose, they invariably stumble over Who am I?
Most of the time, when you ask a man who he is, he will tell you what he does. He will tell you who he is to other people, his spouse, his children, or his coworkers. He almost never tells you what he stands for, or what excites him, or what is sacred to him. He may not know.
I wish someone in my life posed these questions to me when I was young. It would have saved me a lot of trouble. I can tell you, firsthand, you don’t have to take the scenic route, like I did, but there are no shortcuts. I can only say the following as clearly and concisely as I do here because I pondered the hard questions (Who am I? What do I want? Where am I going?) until I could.
I am a man who stands for love, and kindness, and honesty, and sincerity. My purpose in life is to make other people’s lives better. That pursuit takes shape in several different ways, including writing essays like this.
Carl Jung famously said the world will ask you who you are, and if you don’t know, the world will tell you. Don’t let the world tell you who you are. Don’t let anyone tell you who you are. You decide.
If no one has ever posed these questions to you, I do now.
Ask yourself what you want; not what other people think you should want – what you want.
Ask yourself what you stand for and what is sacred to you?
If that seems difficult, start by identifying what you don’t want, or what enrages you?
Who are you? If you don’t know, or if you can’t answer clearly, write about it. Even if only a few sentences each day, keep writing until you know. It might take time, but it’s better to keep searching than to betray yourself by ignoring the question altogether.
If you know who you are, you know how to be. You know what to do. You know where you are going. And you don’t need an influencer to tell you how to talk to the girl.
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Author:
/ Published on The Good Men Project with Permission.Photo: iStock