He Doesn’t Want to Commit. Now What?
If you want a good relationship, be ready to walk away.
Virtually every woman has been there.
You start going out with someone. A date here and there turns into seeing each other three times a week. Then comes entire weekends spent at your place, rides to and from the airport (in rush hour traffic, no less), and joint expeditions to the grocery store.
You pet-sit his dog while he’s out of town. He helps you put together a new dresser. You meet his friends and he meets yours. You become intimate, more than in a physical way — you really open up to each other.
He’s doing all the boyfriend things that, in practice, make you feel like you have a boyfriend. But can you call him that?
Turns out, you can’t.
When the time comes for the “what are we?” conversation, you discover he’s much less eager to call you his girlfriend than to eat the pancakes you’ve been making him every Sunday morning.
He gives you every excuse in the book like he’s checking items off a list: he’s not looking for anything serious right now, he’s not ready for commitment, he wants to focus on work, he’s terrible at relationships and is afraid he’s going to hurt you in the end.
Needless to say, that’s not the answer you expected. Not because you had been looking for a boyfriend, but because his behavior so far spelled s-e-r-i-o-u-s, at least in the relationship language you’ve been taught to read your whole life.
You don’t understand how you could have interpreted his consistency in any other way.
Now what?
Step one: believe him
When he says he doesn’t want a relationship or isn’t ready for one, believe him.
Too many women have the bad habit of thinking they know what a man wants deep down, or what’s actually good for him, more than he knows himself.
His mother didn’t really love him, that’s why he has abandonment issues. If I love him enough, he’ll get over it.
He’s never been with a good woman.
His actions show he wants a girlfriend, he’s just too afraid to admit it.
No matter how you put it, the assumption is that he’s only hesitant about commitment because he hasn’t met the “right woman,” and that he can be loved into wanting a relationship. Lucky for you, you’re both the “right woman” and the best candidate to love him into submission.
If that’s where your brain tends to go, stop right there. Don’t be that person (anymore).
The truth is that only a man can make up his own mind, and if he knows what he wants, he knows what he wants.
It’s really hard not to be that person when he says, “I really like you, but I don’t want commitment right now.” Your first reaction to that statement is likely to call bull. If he really likes you, he should want to commit. If he doesn’t want to commit, then he’s lying about how much he likes you. Either way, he’s a liar and a player and you can’t believe he had the nerve to waste so much of your time.
In reality, from his point of view, the statement is 100% true. Not everyone equates love to commitment. He can really, really like you — even love you — and not want to commit to you.
That can be a hard pill to swallow, but until you understand that, you’ll be forever stuck in the “I know what he wants deep down” mentality.
“I know what he wants deep down” is the actual lie here. Let it go, for your own good.
Step two: know what YOU want
Are you ok with keeping it casual, or do you want a relationship?
You don’t have to want a relationship, but you don’t have to force yourself into something casual against your will — worse if you’re doing it in the hopes that he’ll change his mind. Having gone through a strictly casual phase myself, I can vouch for how fun it can be — but wanting casual has to come from you, otherwise, it doesn’t work.
On the other hand, being told you only get casual when what you really want is to build something meaningful with someone sucks. It’s soul-crushing. You absolutely don’t have to put your heart through that particularly painful meat grinder.
If you decide to keep it casual, you absolutely, 100% have to let go of the idea that he will ever change his mind and commit to you. Sure, that can happen, but keeping that small flame of hope alive is like lighting a match when there’s a gas leak — it’s going to burn your whole house down.
Step three: walk away
If you decide that nothing but a serious relationship will do but he’s not ready, do yourself a favor and let him go.
You don’t have to make a big deal out of it or turn it into a huge breakup. Be gracious. Remind him that you like him (or love him, if that’s the case), but keeping it casual is not enough for you anymore. Make it clear you understand that he’s not ready (or willing), but you’re around and open to talk if he ever changes his mind.
Yes, that’s all easier said than done. The actual doing is going to hurt like a mf*er.
You’re allowed to cry over a pint of ice cream, but later, once you’re home alone.
It’s going to hurt really bad, but it still won’t hurt as bad as it would have six months down the road after you’ve hung in there, investing everything you have into doing “casual” while hoping he would change his mind.
The next step is simple: move on with your life. No staying in touch as friends, no sending him “I miss you” texts at midnight, and absolutely no becoming hookup buddies (unless having casual sex forever is the end goal here).
When you walk away, truly and effectively, Walk. Away.
This isn’t you giving him some time and space to figure things out, this is about you moving on. If he ever changes his mind, he’s going to have to win you back (if you’re still available).
This isn’t a play to get him to miss you, this is you recognizing that you two want different things and being respectful of that.
Be respectful of your time and feelings as well as his. It would be unfair of him to pretend to commit to you when his heart says he shouldn’t, but it would also be unfair of you to pretend you’re fine with keeping it casual while secretly hoping he’ll change his mind.
To recap
If he tells you he doesn’t want a commitment, first, believe him; second, thank him for his honesty. As hard as that is to hear, it’s much better than to have him pretend to commit only to break your heart a few months later.
Lastly, decide what you want. Don’t try to change his mind and don’t keep it casual unless you’re 100% fine with it.
When he’s honest about not wanting to commit, he’s doing you a favor. He’s offering you the gift of honesty, the chance to make a decision with your eyes open. The least you can do is not to waste it.
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Author: / Published on The Good Men Project with Permission.
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